Barnes believes in what he's doing

My former girlfriend said that I relate my life to books, whereas she relates hers to music. I won't disagree with her here in general, but of course we all relate ourselves to the music we listen to, the books we read, the movies/tv we watch.

I was talking to a friend of mine today, and I was explaining to him that I felt like I could some up where I'm at right now with a scene from Platoon. Now Platoon is a good movie, but I think I especially like it (as I am prone to do) on the strength of two or three really great scenes. One of those scenes is the conversation the guys have while cleaning up shit. You'll have to watch the movie for that one, but the one that I have been thinking about lately is probably the best part of the whole movie.

The characters played by Charlie Sheen and Willem Dafoe are in a fox hole at night talking. It's a short sequence, but the whole conversation strikes me as very honest. You really probably need to see the movie to appreciate what is said, but at one point the younger soldier says to the older one, "Barnes has really got it in for you." The reason Barnes has it in for him is because he stopped him in the process of abusing and murdering some suspected Viet Cong. The older soldier simply replies, "Barnes believes in what he's doing."

I can't help but think about myself when I watch that scene. Barnes believes in what he is doing. I look around, and that is what I want to say when I go to church, or talk to some of my christian friends. I don't know if it is because I am far away from God. I suspect that that could be a large reason for it. But still, so often when I am confronted with christian propoganda, hear those christian catch phrases, listen to sermons, or read a lot of christian literature, my b.s. alert just goes off. I don't know that I can even put my finger on it. There just seems to be something so wrong, or at least not quite right with what I hear on a daily basis.

The other day I was walking into what I thought was going to be a bible study. It turns out that I accidentally attended an AA meeting. I loved the honesty that I heard in there. I felt like that was one of the things that my soul had so been longing for.

Maybe the best part of that meeting for me was when a guy said that (after telling about his life of addiction and recovery) he didn't know a lot about God. The only things he could really be sure about in regards to God were: he wasn't God, God saved him, and God continues to save him every day. This to me was worth more than a thousand sermons about the evils of the world and the horrors of todays society. It was something that mattered.

I have a hard time reading "christian" literature. I have a hard time listening to sermons. I find myself feeling very alien in "christian" culture. And I think that a big reason for that is just how much b.s. is there. I just have such a low tolerance for it. I think that is why when I find someone that seems to really cut through that b.s., I'm so attracted to them. Whether it be a writer, a singer, a pastor, or just someone I meet, I'm feel instantly indebted to them.

I know I am not healthy right now. I can only hope that God continues to save me.